Tuesday, 20 January 2009

...I wished for and adventurous vehicle... and oh boy did I get what I asked for!

Please note, this post is a long and arduous task, proceed at your own peril...

This is the second instalment of the Camper saga, starring a bemused Irish artist and a Camper van that's clearly seen all the 'Herbie' films and desperately wants a piece of the action. I've always been the same myself actually.  Within two minutes of seeing the first ever Superman movie I had a towel tied round my neck and spent the rest of the day jumping of counter tops and saving things that were doing quite fine without me. Pretty much the same now for that matter.
I can't watch Bourne films without wanting to be a special agent.

I can't watch Mafia films without wanting to be a wiseguy.

I can't watch Kung Fu films without wanting to be a 5th generation master.

And I can't watch New School Hollywood movies without wanting to gauge my eyes out with a coat hanger.

Well, that last one doesn't really work but you know what I mean.

Anyway, back to Sunny: I've named the van Sunny because it resembles the van in Little Miss Sunshine.

Last night was a write off.  I went to my room at 8pm and didn't get to sleep until 2am, even though I was punctured... I just felt so nonplussed that I couldn't quite settle.  I watched Minority Report (and wanted to be the Columbo of the future), listened to music, podcasts, watched youtube...everything but get into a bed that was surely riddled with hoover sales-men bed bugs. Everything about my stay in the Shambles (the Inn - see last post) is summed up in this photo:



And the choice of food is summed up in this one:



Having said this the people there are very friendly, which was the best thing about it.

When I woke up the sun was shining in Lutterworth and I was feeling positive about the day. Until I got the bill for charging my batteries that is. Considering they only clipped on two leads and hit charge, it was a joke... but not funny, like that blond haired guy off of Mock the Week. Nevertheless I smiled, paid up and hit the road, happy to be once again en route.

I knew that at some stage I would have to stop and change the batteries over, so I planned it for after 50 miles. 50 miles came and went and Sunny was running like a dream, no sign of the dreaded red battery light that spelt imminent death the day before.  Traffic was great, the sun was shining and I was singing at the top of my lungs.  In fact the battery held out for over 100 miles, then it died out on the M23 about a mile from services, which is where I wanted to pull in and change the batteries over.  At this stage I am a mere 35 miles from my destination and feeling confident, even though it is starting to get a bit dark and I may have to switch the lights on any second. 

I hop out the passenger side so as not to get ploughed by the passing juggernauts.  The second my feet hit the ground I feel myself sink into the marsh-like verge.... oops... alarm bells go off slightly and I move quickly to avoid getting stuck.  I change the battery in brake neck speed; no sweat.  hop back into the van and turn the ignition... uh uh uh uh uh uhuh uh uh uh uhuh u uhuh u huh uhuh ..... nope.. not today Josephine...  Ah!  maybe the petrol is low (even though I pumped in 40 sheets in York)... thankfully I have a can that I filled just in case.  I put it in and wait 2 minutes... it seems to do the trick..... for about 300 yards...  I wait for 10 minutes... at this stage it's getting dangerous to have the lights out.. the van starts up and I make it to the garage, still only a faint red battery light, so I'm guessing it's just a fuel issue (the gauge isn't working).  I get to the garage and stick another 20 quid in and fill the can. I cross myself and pray like the good Catholic boy that I'm not (funny how we often do that at times of concern irrespective of beliefs...!?) 

Joining the M23 again I realise it's far too dark for me to have my lights off, I'm becoming a hazard to myself and those around me, so I bite my lip, close one eye and flick on the lights....  all good.... I look to the red battery light of death, and it glows a little more bright, but I can't tell if it's just because it's darker outside now or if it's getting closer to giving up the ghost.  I'm now 29 miles from my destination, using the Google Maps on my phone as a guide.

So now I'm off the M23 and onto the side roads and about 20miles from my destination.  It's not getting very dark and there are less and less street lights, and my lights don't seem to be giving off much glow.. I wish I could say the same for my red light of encroaching death which is now burning like the all seeing eye from Lord of the Rings, and I feel like Frodo, on a dark and perilous quest.

The van starts coughing and spluttering and I'm now on a country road with no lay-bys or hard shoulders.. all there are is about 5 boy racers (young car enthusiasts for those unaware of the terminology) tight to my back bumper and a steady stream of traffic coming the other way. By now it's raining VERY lightly. Not enough for wipers and not enough to have them off... however this doesn't matter to me because the battery is now so near dead that the wipers don't really work...  I estimate that I have around 5 wipes before it becomes too much for the battery and I conk out on a country road frequented by wannabe rally drivers and I haven't the battery power for hazard lights... On top of this, every time a car comes by in the opposite direction I can't see out my window, now covered in dirty water, and dirt full stop. I'm now starting to get worried.

I make a decision to pull into the next road I pass and call the AA...  I take a quick look down at my phone to see how far I am from the next junction at which point my phone beeps loudly and displays an alert stating that I have 20% battery left, which is not very much when you're using Google maps: such applications suck on the power like a starved child at the bountiful breast of it's mother.

Here's the situation.  Stop at the next junction, in the middle of nowhere and call the AA, at the risk of my phone dying before I get through the automated nonsense and tell someone where I am; therefore, ending up stranded on a country road for the night before abandoning the van and walking to the nearest house to get my phone charged...etc...etc...

OR

I keep on keepin' on! at the risk of all the above should my phone die and leave me lost or the van die and leave me stranded BUT with the vague hope that I might just make it...

It's all or nothing!

I make the decision... it's ALL!!!!

I put the foot down a bit more.  Around the next bend all I can see are a see of red lights...there's an accident, and subsequently a tailback of about half a mile.  by now I'm speaking to Sunny like it can hear me.. Come on Sunny, just a little bit further, you can do it...

I get passed the tail back and get the foot down again, my lights are now so dim that I can hardly see the road, I still can't see out the window too well and it takes 15 seconds for the wipers to go up and back once!  I'm one turn off away from my destination, hope rises up like an African dawn...  I look at my phone to see how far away the turn is... BLEEP BLEEP... 10% battery charge left... I dismiss it and look to see... it's about 400 yards away, I keep my eyes peeled but to no avail.  Wither my lights are so dim that I can't see it or there's no road when the map says there is... I make it to the end of the road and turn back to see if I've missed it... THERE'S NO ROAD THERE!!!!!

I pull in, again risking being stranded but at least close to the garage this time.  I call MR VW mechanic (who's servicing the van and putting it through MOT...oh yeah, it's not MOT'd so I'm also risking jail)... it's 5:15 and he works until 5:30.... ring ring...ring ring...ANSWER MACHINE!!! He's gone!

I think quick as I'm surely on my last mile with the van, and navigate an alternative route to the road he's on..... coughing and sputtering all the way, not slowing down at corners lest I die there and then on the road with no lay-by, no hazard lights and no phone for help...

I check the phone - TURN LEFT ON YOU HAVE ARRIVED - I turn left at full speed, there's no garage, just a no through road, the phone dies, the van make a loud bang and cuts out freewheeling... I don't know where I am, the mechanic's gone home not that I could contact him, nor can I contact the roadside help, the red light of death burns and indelible scar in my retinas... Sunny is coming to a stop.. Sunny stops... my head's on the steering wheel... I feel utterly exhausted!!!!!

I'm aware of a light.  I raise my head.  There is nothing else on this lane, but Sunny has stopped DIRECTLY outside 'The Spotted Cow' pub!!!  I guess Sunny wants some time alone with me.

So here I am, computer plugged in, phone charging, open fire, pint of ale, bar food and a night in the van up a dark lane in the country...

American werewolf in London springs to mind, but this time I have no desire to be the lead character!